So, I spent about three and a half hours today in my dentist’s chair. Why, you ask. Well, to answer that, I have to give you a little background info on my medical history. I have a tendency to develop blood clots. Not really sure why, but it’s probably a hereditary thing. I’ve had a blood clot in my right arm, my left arm, my left leg and my right leg. You do the hokey-pokey and you shake it all about… Because of this penchant for the deadly clot, I am on blood thinners. And because I am on blood thinners, I had to spend the better part of my morning in the dentist chair. See, the problem is, when you get major work done at the dentist and you are on blood thinners, you have to get off the blood thinners before work commences or otherwise you will bleed to death. And because it is not good to be off the thinners for too long, it is best to get all of the major work done at once. So! Today I had a deep cleaning, a permanent crown put on AND a root canal.

If you’re like me, you are probably not fond of the dentist. Another penchant I have which I also blame on heredity is my incredible knack to develop cavities. I brush religiously. I floss (although not so religiously. I’m an orthodox brusher and floss only on Easter and Christmas. Know what I mean?) I try to take care of my teeth, yet I am unable to avoid cavities. My girlfriend, on the other hand, can soak her teeth in Coca-Cola and battery acid overnight and nothing. So, yes, I hate her for it.

Whenever I am in the dentist’s chair for a cleaning, I always tense up. Like butt cheeks clenched, perspiration on the brow kind of tense. I’m just waiting for him to tell me that I have yet another cavity. And when he or she pulls off the gloves and says nothing but, “Okay, see you in six months”, I’m freakin’ elated. But when they say, “I saw a little something there. We’re gonna have to set up another appointment for you”, I want to cry.

The dentist I am seeing now is a new dentist for me. Before him, I went to the same dentist for nearly thirty years. He retired and a woman that actually went to dental school with my ex-girlfriend took over. It is when she took over that I began to question whether or not I should continue going to the same place. For one thing, she was recently divorced. Nothing wrong with that except she seemed bitter about it, and the last thing you want is a bitter dentist coming at you with a drill. Especially a bitter, man-hating dentist. The second thing was that every time she cleaned my teeth, I bled so much I needed a maxi-pad shoved in my mouth to keep me from spewing blood. According to her, her husband turned out to be a no-good bum and apparently my gums were going to pay for his indiscretions. Third, she constantly asked me what church I attended. “Did you go to church this Sunday?” If I lie and say yes, I’m going to hell, but if I tell the truth and say no, I’m afraid she’ll drill me another nostril. Fourth, the last time I saw her she said, “I’m afraid you need a crown. No, maybe you need a root canal. No, I will just fill it again.” What the H? How do you go from a root canal to just another filling. And LASTLY, the last time I was there, I went to pay with my credit card and she said, “Now, you know we don’t have no credit card machine.” Um, actually I didn’t know that because I’m living in the freakin’ 21st century! So, after that, I was outta there.

My new dentist is cool. He tells lame jokes which I don’t mind so much because he’s good at what he does. He asked me today if there was anything worse than a dentist with a bad sense of humor. “Yes,” I said. “A dentist with shaky hands.” For some reason, he didn’t find that response all that funny and I told myself to stop trying to be funny to a man who is holding a drill and your life in the palm of his hand.

Everything was going along fine UNTIL the song on a radio playing in the corner changed. When it began, I knew right away that it was Kenny G’s soprano that was playing. There isn’t enough anesthetic in the world to ease that kind of pain. But what really scared the hell out of me was what my dentist said next. “You know, I wish I could live to be a hundred just so I could listen to this song over and over. I love it so much.” What?? Did he just say… I can’t let this man work on my teeth. Obviously, he’s got a mental problem. What made it even worse was the fact that the song was actually Kenny G playing to Louis Armstrong singing “What A Wonderful World”. Now, this wasn’t Louis and the Hot Seven or whatever, but it was still Louis. And it was still Kenny G playing with Louis. To me, that’s like Hitler performing a duet with Ghandi. And he wants to live to be a hundred just to hear this song over and over?

Well, needless to say, hearing those words from my dentist was more painful than any root canal could be. And to tell you the truth, root canals, while frightening, are not that painful. Trust me. If you have never had one, don’t sweat it. It hurts. Don’t get me wrong. But in my imagination, I always saw root canals as the royal flush of dentistry. There are fillings, crowns, root canals then death. But it wasn’t that bad. It’s sore but I’ll be alright. However, the pain of knowing that my dentist sees nothing wrong with Kenny G being on the same record as Louis Armstrong will linger with me for a thousand lifetimes.