So, tomorrow is my first day in my brand new cubicle. It’s blue with light wood grain and all on top of a shit brown carpet. I gotta tell you, I’m so excited, I just might throw up. I had my own office for about seven months, then a big swoop of changes brought in new people with new ideas and suddenly, my office, my privacy and the freedom to crank up my music were snatched away from me.

The person who made the decision to put everyone in cubicles is of the opinion that cubicles provide a more collaborative workplace. I believe this is the same reasoning Himmler used at Dachau.

There is nothing more emasculating than putting a sixty year old man in a cubicle. I remember at the last place I worked an old codger with a AM/FM radio playing big band music while he evaporated in his final “office” before retirement. What a kick in the nuts. I imagined he had probably fought in Korea or something and this is how he was rewarded. A box with fluorescent lighting and an aura of self-loathing. What’s worse is the fact that the cube farm at this place was so big, they gave the different rows between the cubes street names. So, you would say, “Hey, Jim, where is your cube located?” “Oh, I’m at the corner of Fourth and Chestnut. Third cubicle down and when you see the cubicle with the dead plant on top of it, make a right, go three more cubicles past Walnut and hang another right. You can’t miss me. I’ll be the one with his head in a noose.”

There is no uglier pair of words than “cube farm”. Okay, maybe a few — “slaughter house”, the aforementioned “concentration camp”, “Abu Ghraib”, “George Bush”. Nothing will kill a man’s morale faster than the words, “We’re gonna move you out of your own office and put you in a square that looks like everyone elses square where all of your officemates can listen to you make appointments with your therapist or argue with your wife or call your mistress for that much-overdo nooner.”

The only thing that sucks worse than a cube farm is unemployment. So…I guess I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.