After reading this article, I decided to prepare a brief list of the pitfalls aspiring thieves and ne’er do wells should avoid when perpetrating a crime.

1. Stay Focused

If you get to the point where you have arrived at your potential victim’s home, trespassed onto their property and placed a gun to the head of their fourteen year old daughter, you have crossed what the professionals like to call “The Point Of No Return”. You have already committed a number of crimes at this point, so the best thing for you is get the loot and skedaddle.

2. There’ll Be Time Enough For Eatin’ When The Robbery’s Done

If your potential victims offer you a glass of wine (or any beverage), TURN IT DOWN. Remember, this is just a ruse. They are trying to distract you from your intended purpose. Just keep in mind, good armed robbers do not stop in the middle of a robbery to partake of wine and cheese, for they are intelligent enough to know that wine and cheese can later be purchased with the money stolen DURING the robbery.

3. KKK Members Never Remove The Hoods When They’re Working and Neither Should You

Robbers wear hoods while robbing because hoods provide an adequate amount of disguise. The last thing a robber wants his victims to see is his face. Mugshots, Lineups. All of these things can be meaningless if only you KEEP THE HOOD ON YOUR HEAD.

4. If You’re Gonna Put Away Your Gun, You Might As Well Have Stayed At Home

Never, under any circumstances, put away your weapon. The only thing keeping your victims from turning on you and beating your dumb ass is that hand cannon you have wrapped in your sweaty palms. If you put the gun away, the threat is gone and the asswhippin’ begins (or in the case of this article, the lovefest begins). Either way, once the gun is taken out of the picture, you can pretty much call it a night.

5. Lastly, This Is A Robbery, Not A Therapy Session.

Make a decision. You either put a gun to a young girl’s head and threaten to shoot her, or you eat, drink and embrace the entire family. You can’t do both. Doing both constitutes The Crazy.

While not an admirable profession by any means, armed robbery requires skill just like any other vocation. It takes skill to get in, get what you want without harming anyone, and get out. When you find yourself confusing a robbery with a wine tasting in the Hamptons, it’s time to go back to training.

A wise poet once said, “Sensitive thugs, y’all all need hugs”
Man, that Jay-Z really knows his stuff.