And no he wasn’t working there. Although, if he did, I’m almost certain they would have him working the bakery — graveyard shift, of course. The day shift would arrive in the morning and exclaim, “Jesus! How do you bake so much in such little time.” Jesus would just shrug then wink at the camera. What camera??

Apparently, Wal-Mart is going to start pushing biblical action figures out to 425 of its stores. The bulk of these stores will be in the south and midwest. Go figure. Doesn’t Wal-Mart cater to all consumers? Wouldn’t it be fair to provide action figures for other religions as well? For instance, instead of harping on the whole “The Thing” image, why not play up the image of Ben Grimm, the scrappy Jewish kid from the Lower East Side.

Or how about Buddha? Tell your kids to put away their satanic trinkets and pick up a toy that exudes peace and love.

Mmm. Tranquility.

Or even Scientology.

My point is, if you are going to profit from religion, why not go all the way with it? Why be exclusive when your stores cater to all different religions and races?

Speaking of races, have you seen the biblical action figure dolls Wal-Mart will be marketing to its customers? The dolls are made by a company called One2Believe and they seem to have a common theme among them. They are all, um, how should I put this? Rather Caucasian. Don’t get me wrong. I know just as well as everyone from Strom Thurmond to George Wallace that Jesus was white. I mean, c’mon. I’m not that stupid. But…err…I read somewhere that over 50% of Wal-Mart shoppers are minorities. Being Wal-Mart, I know how you feel about integrity, and I hate to even suggest sullying your immaculate image. But look at Jesus

The resemblance is uncanny, I know. But think of your African-American and Hispanic shoppers. You had a little discrimination suit a while back. I don’t even want to mention it really, but I feel I must. Now, the way to get these people back into your good graces is to humor them a little. I’m not saying Jesus would have to be Black. No need to be blasphemous! But, how about just a little bit of color. He doesn’t have to be Wesley Snipes. Just…maybe…say…Jimmy Smits. How about that? The whole point here is moving merchandise, right? We all know what the real Jesus looks like. Just like we know what Santa looks like, but when in Rome…

After seeing the biblical “action figures” Wal-Mart is planning to hawk, I began to wonder about other Jesus dolls. Did they all look the same? After much surfing, you will be relieved to know that the answer is yes. I found this cute little Jesus

And this one

He almost has corn rolls, which makes him a little ethnic…and scary.

There is even a website called JesusOfTheWeek.com where every week we are reassured that the image of Jesus is true

Apparently, this Jesus has been hanging out at BALCO with Bonds and Mcgwire. He looks like he is about to break that cross on his knee and resurrect the art of ass kicking.

Not all of the pictures were winners. This bobblehead Jesus freaks me out a little.

First of all, he looks like Serpico. Secondly, a Jesus with a nervous twitch just seems odd to me.

However, my search did bring me to the promised land of Jesus regalia. A website called jesusdressup.com lets you put Jesus in all kinds of interesting duds, which is really what Christianity is all about…isn’t it?

Nothing says, “I’m going straight to hell” like Jesus in a tutu, bunny slippers, coconut shells and….ah you get the point.

Wal-mart. In case you forgot, you sell cheap tennis shoes and car batteries. Biblical action figures? How bout no?

And if you think the words “action figure” and Jesus are a contradiction in terms, you obviously have not watched this commercial.