And no he wasn’t working there. Although, if he did, I’m almost certain they would have him working the bakery — graveyard shift, of course. The day shift would arrive in the morning and exclaim, “Jesus! How do you bake so much in such little time.” Jesus would just shrug then wink at the camera. What camera??

Apparently, Wal-Mart is going to start pushing biblical action figures out to 425 of its stores. The bulk of these stores will be in the south and midwest. Go figure. Doesn’t Wal-Mart cater to all consumers? Wouldn’t it be fair to provide action figures for other religions as well? For instance, instead of harping on the whole “The Thing” image, why not play up the image of Ben Grimm, the scrappy Jewish kid from the Lower East Side.

Or how about Buddha? Tell your kids to put away their satanic trinkets and pick up a toy that exudes peace and love.

Mmm. Tranquility.

Or even Scientology.

My point is, if you are going to profit from religion, why not go all the way with it? Why be exclusive when your stores cater to all different religions and races?

Speaking of races, have you seen the biblical action figure dolls Wal-Mart will be marketing to its customers? The dolls are made by a company called One2Believe and they seem to have a common theme among them. They are all, um, how should I put this? Rather Caucasian. Don’t get me wrong. I know just as well as everyone from Strom Thurmond to George Wallace that Jesus was white. I mean, c’mon. I’m not that stupid. But…err…I read somewhere that over 50% of Wal-Mart shoppers are minorities. Being Wal-Mart, I know how you feel about integrity, and I hate to even suggest sullying your immaculate image. But look at Jesus

The resemblance is uncanny, I know. But think of your African-American and Hispanic shoppers. You had a little discrimination suit a while back. I don’t even want to mention it really, but I feel I must. Now, the way to get these people back into your good graces is to humor them a little. I’m not saying Jesus would have to be Black. No need to be blasphemous! But, how about just a little bit of color. He doesn’t have to be Wesley Snipes. Just…maybe…say…Jimmy Smits. How about that? The whole point here is moving merchandise, right? We all know what the real Jesus looks like. Just like we know what Santa looks like, but when in Rome…

After seeing the biblical “action figures” Wal-Mart is planning to hawk, I began to wonder about other Jesus dolls. Did they all look the same? After much surfing, you will be relieved to know that the answer is yes. I found this cute little Jesus

And this one

He almost has corn rolls, which makes him a little ethnic…and scary.

There is even a website called JesusOfTheWeek.com where every week we are reassured that the image of Jesus is true

Apparently, this Jesus has been hanging out at BALCO with Bonds and Mcgwire. He looks like he is about to break that cross on his knee and resurrect the art of ass kicking.

Not all of the pictures were winners. This bobblehead Jesus freaks me out a little.

First of all, he looks like Serpico. Secondly, a Jesus with a nervous twitch just seems odd to me.

However, my search did bring me to the promised land of Jesus regalia. A website called jesusdressup.com lets you put Jesus in all kinds of interesting duds, which is really what Christianity is all about…isn’t it?

Nothing says, “I’m going straight to hell” like Jesus in a tutu, bunny slippers, coconut shells and….ah you get the point.

Wal-mart. In case you forgot, you sell cheap tennis shoes and car batteries. Biblical action figures? How bout no?

And if you think the words “action figure” and Jesus are a contradiction in terms, you obviously have not watched this commercial.

Barry Bonds sat out again tonight in the San Francisco Giants game against the Cubs. He claims his legs, feet and toes are swollen. So are your head, arms and ego, Barry, but that never stopped you before.

Barry hasn’t hit a homer since July 3rd. He’s in a hitting slump, batting 0 for 20, and I have to admit that there is a tiny sliver of me that hopes that the slump continues, at least until I make it out to San Francisco next month. Barry is four homers away from tying Hank Aaron and five away from breaking the record. If his slump continues or if he has a few more slumps in the upcoming weeks, I could actually be there when the record is broken. That excites me! Do you know why? Because I could actually tell my grandchildren — or at the rate that I’m going, someone elses grandchildren — about the time I was at the game when Barry Bonds broke the most coveted record in the history of sports. And how, as bulbous Barry made his way around the bases and the crowd ejaculated adulation and cheers, I stood stone-faced with my arms crossed and bile dribbling down my chin.

I would love to say that I would boo Barry as he circled the bases, but hey, I’m going to be in San Francisco, Barry’s red-headed step-child. I don’t want to come home singing, “I left my ass and a quart of my blood in San Francisco.” But I wouldn’t cheer. I promise you that.

Bonds, speaking about the Dodgers’ sweep of the Giants and his locker room explosion after the game, stated

“I did everything but bite myself and spit on myself”

Need help with that Barry?

I kid.

When asked about his problems at the plate Sunday, Bonds answered: “It’s an embarrassment for me to be wearing this (expletive deleted) uniform ’cause of the way I’m playing. There, that’s it. Now go away.”

Actually, it’s an embarrassment for you to be wearing the uniform for other reasons. You go away! But I digress.

He proceeded to flip over a laundry cart as he walked through the clubhouse.

Yelling, “Hulk smash!” along the way.

Sidenote: For a brief time today, the CNN website had a link to the N-Word/Ralph Papitto blog from yesterday. A little validation and fifteen minutes of fame. Like Elia Kazan said, “Now I can fade away.”

I was going to comment on the whole L.A. Catholic church paying off the victims who fell prey to the pederasts cloaked as honorable, god-fearing men. However, a part of me felt conflicted since I attended Catholic school for 12 years and never encountered such vileness from any of the men or women of the clothe. I do feel like they could have bumped the $660 million settlement up just six million dollars more and said hurray for irony. I was also going to mention the fact that I saw Kathy Griffin a few weeks ago and they mentioned the term L.U.R.D, which in prison are women who are Lesbians Until Release Date. I thought P.U.R.V would have been appropriate for those Catholic priests who have stained the sanctity of their religion. Pedophiles Until Reprieved by the Vatican. The reprieve being, of course, allowing priests to marry so they don’t feel compelled to diddle little boys. I know it’s really PURBTV, but that doesn’t have quite the same ring. Plus, when you say it, you sound like either a drunk or a two year old.

Anyway, I changed my mind. I ran across this article tonight regarding Ralph Pappito and his slip of the tongue. Apparently, there was a meeting of the board of trustees at Roger Williams University to discuss the lack of minorities on the board, and good old Ralph, in his frustration with this whole diversity issue, let the N-word slip. I coulda swore we buried that word last week in Detroit. Somehow it exhumed itself and made a little trip to Rhode Island. I guess it feels safe there. Ralph then stated that he knew he shouldn’t use that word because of Don Imus. Funny, I don’t recall Imus ever saying that particular word — except on 60 Minutes. Okay, maybe he did use it. But I’m pretty sure it was a bad word before then. Poor Don. Can’t catch a break.

What really got me was the fact that 80 year old Ralph stated that he never used that word before. He claimed:

“The first time I heard it was on television or rap music or something

Ahhh…whenever you need a scapegoat, rap is there to lend you a hand. Who knew Ralph was a rap fan? Bet he’s an Old Dirty Bastard kind of guy.

I wonder if I can make it to 80 before I use a negative, sometimes controversial word. Maybe like, I don’t know, bullshit. Oops…guess not.

I was trying to get away from the race-related posts since someone recently asked me why I was so preoccupied with race. And I was forced to ask myself the same question. So, I was determined to write about other things for a while. But like Michael Corleone said, “Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!”

I’m feeling both emotionally and physically lethargic today. Not exactly sure why, but hopefully, it will wear off by tomorrow. I think sometimes we’re confronted by our shortcomings and insecurities and it tends to bring us down. Brings me down anyway. I did spend this morning listening to classic jazz and drinking a hot cup of joe. Let me tell you, when I’m in a funk, Stan Getz never lets me down. One of the most beautiful tones in the history of the music.

Today is July 15th. The new fees for internet radio are supposed to take effect today. How this will affect Evening Melancholy and its future is not immediately known at this point, but my hopes are that they band will play on. If not, I’m not sure what I’ll do. I’ve made a lot of friends during the last nearly three years of running this station. I’d hate to lose it.

Tonight I plan on watching the show “Scott Baio is 45… and single”

At 45, Scott finds himself in the midst of a mid-life crisis wondering why he’s still single and unable to settle down even with his current girlfriend Renee, a woman he loves and who is perfect in his eyes. It’s time for Scott to confront his commitment phobias or settle into the life of a bachelor who is forever searching for the perfect “unobtainable” woman.

I’ll be damned if that ain’t me!

After reading this article, I decided to prepare a brief list of the pitfalls aspiring thieves and ne’er do wells should avoid when perpetrating a crime.

1. Stay Focused

If you get to the point where you have arrived at your potential victim’s home, trespassed onto their property and placed a gun to the head of their fourteen year old daughter, you have crossed what the professionals like to call “The Point Of No Return”. You have already committed a number of crimes at this point, so the best thing for you is get the loot and skedaddle.

2. There’ll Be Time Enough For Eatin’ When The Robbery’s Done

If your potential victims offer you a glass of wine (or any beverage), TURN IT DOWN. Remember, this is just a ruse. They are trying to distract you from your intended purpose. Just keep in mind, good armed robbers do not stop in the middle of a robbery to partake of wine and cheese, for they are intelligent enough to know that wine and cheese can later be purchased with the money stolen DURING the robbery.

3. KKK Members Never Remove The Hoods When They’re Working and Neither Should You

Robbers wear hoods while robbing because hoods provide an adequate amount of disguise. The last thing a robber wants his victims to see is his face. Mugshots, Lineups. All of these things can be meaningless if only you KEEP THE HOOD ON YOUR HEAD.

4. If You’re Gonna Put Away Your Gun, You Might As Well Have Stayed At Home

Never, under any circumstances, put away your weapon. The only thing keeping your victims from turning on you and beating your dumb ass is that hand cannon you have wrapped in your sweaty palms. If you put the gun away, the threat is gone and the asswhippin’ begins (or in the case of this article, the lovefest begins). Either way, once the gun is taken out of the picture, you can pretty much call it a night.

5. Lastly, This Is A Robbery, Not A Therapy Session.

Make a decision. You either put a gun to a young girl’s head and threaten to shoot her, or you eat, drink and embrace the entire family. You can’t do both. Doing both constitutes The Crazy.

While not an admirable profession by any means, armed robbery requires skill just like any other vocation. It takes skill to get in, get what you want without harming anyone, and get out. When you find yourself confusing a robbery with a wine tasting in the Hamptons, it’s time to go back to training.

A wise poet once said, “Sensitive thugs, y’all all need hugs”
Man, that Jay-Z really knows his stuff.