So…this past Friday I went to an otolaryngologists to see if I could find the reason behind the vocal troubles I have been having. Truth be told, I have been having vocal issues for about five or six years now. Basically, I get hoarse, my words seem to choke off from my throat, sometimes I feel myself straining to speak. Not only is it an annoyance but it’s also embarrassing and at times causes me to shy away from social situations. To sum it all up — I hate talking.

It started with periodic hoarseness around 2001, I think. And it got progressively worse until I got to the point where I could barely talk at all. I saw my general doctor, two ENT guys and they all told me the same thing — “Can’t see anything.” Imagine how frustrating that is. You know something is happening but you don’t what it is (”do, you Mr. Jones?”). So, I convinced myself that it was all in my head and all I needed to do is work my way through it.

Years went by and it never really got better. There are days when it feels great and other days when I feel completely choked off. It sucks.

Anyway, the ENT I saw Friday scoped me and he discovered I had a crooked nose that somehow jacked up my sinuses. I have acid reflux which can definitely hurt your vocal chords. AND (drumroll, please) I have spasmodic dysphonia. That’s right, ladies and germs. Spasmodic Dysphonia , which basically means that I am having muscle spasms in my throat. Wonderful. Even more wonderful is the fact that there is no real cure for it. I could get botox, but it lasts only a few months and the idea of having that injected into my throat makes me none too happy.

The doctor attributes the spasms to hysteria and says that I need to drink a lot of water and relax. He’s telling me that stress is causing it. But wouldn’t it be safe to say that IT is causing stress? Hm? Ah, life and all its rewards.

Anyway, there’s nothing I can really do but fight my way through it. Or become a mute and walk around with a dirty top hat and a circus horn like Harpo Marx. Guess I need to learn how to whistle with my fingers, huh?

So, if you see me walking in the grocery store and it seems like I am ignoring you and don’t really want to talk, you’re half right. If you call and I never answer the phone, you know why. And if you want me to scream your name during moments of intimacy and I don’t, well…I probably fell asleep.