Have you ever had one of those days? It’s not a perfect day, but it’s a pretty good one. Nothing goes incredibly wrong. People leave you alone and let you do your thing. All told, it’s not a bad day. Then…right as the day is coming to a close and you think, “Well, all in all this was a decent day”, somebody you love comes along and kicks you in the nuts. And it’s not just a regular kick in the nuts. It’s a baby nut kick. Know what I mean? Have you ever spent time playing with a baby? Like all afternoon you’re playing with this kid, and he’s smiling and you’re smiling. He giggles, you giggle. And you’re thinking to yourself, “Babies are awesome!” Then, just as you’re about to hand the little bastard back to his mother, his disposition changes. Maybe he doesn’t want to go back to his mother. Or maybe he’s got a mad poop heating up his rump and it’s making him ornery. Or maybe, just maybe, he has the ability to look into your eyes and see every sin you’ve committed since you discovered lying, cheating and masturbation. Who knows? But those deep, innocent eyes suddenly turn satanic. The baby rears his leg back so far his heel is almost touching the back of his supple head. And with the swiftness of Jackie Chan, the little fucker catches you right in the twig and berries with those steel-toed baby booties. A kick so hard snot runs out of your nose. And just like that, playtime turns into a lot of wincing and the desire to throw the little turd about fifty feet. No more happy time. One swift kick and your whole day (and the hopes of children in the future) is ruined.

That was my day today. Pretty good day. But then the night came and I got a baby nut kick. It was precise like Vinatieri when he beat the Raiders back in 2001, taking the wind out of their sails. We all get taken advantage of at some time during our lives. You get hit and you learn from it so it doesn’t happen again. But when it comes from people you love, it’s a steel-toe right to the groin. Because they know that you love them and if they so desire, they will drain you until there’s nothing left. Then, while you’re wallowing in your own filth, wondering what exactly happened, they’ve moved on to a new host. They took all your love could give, then they gave you a swift baby nut kick and said adios.

I sometimes wonder if I keep people at arms length because I am afraid of loving them. I am afraid that eventually they will baby nut kick me too. The problem with that is that I may never be capable of accepting true love from someone. Whenever they start to get close, the sirens begin to blare and red lights flash behind my eyeballs, alerting my brain that some shit is probably about to go down. So, I extend my arm and keep them there for as long as I can, or for as long as they are willing to put up with it.

So, here I sit. A little vodka, a few cigarettes. And I don’t want to be scolded or reminded of all the reasons why I shouldn’t be drinking and smoking. I just want to be left alone. I want to ponder my sore balls. I want to examine why I allow myself to be kicked there repeatedly. Then I want to sleep. I want to have that reoccurring dream I have. I’ve moved far, far away. I’m living in some little village in France. There is nothing close to my modest little home except for wheat fields and bramble. I’ve adopted a little mutt that hung around forever and didn’t seem to care that I kept him held at bay for so long. Maybe down the road a piece there lives a moderately attractive woman who comes to visit me every now and then. We drink and smoke, laugh and share a bed from time to time. But she doesn’t want to marry me, and I have no desire to marry her. We like our space. We like knowing that we’re close but not too close. We like isolation even though, deep inside, we crave a sort of intimacy we’ve convinced ourselves we could never have.

That’s what I am going to dream tonight. Then tomorrow I will awaken and start another day, hoping that it goes well, and hoping that my nuts can avoid being ravaged by those little, steel-toed baby shoes that haunt me so.