Last week, I received a text message from a friend asking that I pray for the health of her brother, that I pray that he was able to get through his affliction and get better. I said I would. But I didn’t.

It’s not that I didn’t pray for him. It’s just that my conversations with my God don’t quite work in the way my friend implied that they should. Do I pray? Yes. Not as often as I probably should. And more often than not, my prayers are prayers of gratitude or recognition rather than requests. I have a hard time asking God for anything in my prayers. Mainly because I don’t pray that much and I would feel like a hypocrite if every time I hit a bump in the road, I asked God for help.

When I read Ray Charles’ autobiography, I took note of the fact that he kind of took the approach of being in charge of his own life. His life was in his hands. I don’t subscribe to that way of thinking completely, but I do understand what Mr. Charles was saying. I guess my point is that I would have to be in some pretty dire straits to find myself down on bended knee asking for God to intervene in some way. I would have to be in a George Bailey kind of bind. Other than that, my prayers of requests are generally that of asking God to help me make the right decisions that lead me away from chaotic predicaments. Don’t get me wrong, though. Desperation brings both humility and forgetfulness to even the most stubborn of men. Give me the right predicament and I am probably in the first pew, asking for whatever help I can get. I’ve been there before and I will probably be there again. Still, the effectiveness of such prayer remains questionable to me.

And what of illness? What then? I cannot control whether or not I get sick. There have been times where I have found myself in some pretty harrowing situations when it came to my health and at the time I remember telling God that whatever will be will be. Not that I am some brave soul or anything like that. It’s just that I could beg with every bit of strength I have remaining for God to spare my life, to spare me of pain and suffering. Thing is though, I don’t think God works that way. And if he does, my world is shot.

If I were to pray for the health of my friend’s brother and miraculously, his health improved, do I thank God for that? Can I thank God for that? So this miracle occurred and God spared one of his children. What about all of the others out there who are suffering and who have family members who have prayed only to find that there prayers were in vain? It reminds me of the miners in West Virginia a few years back. All of those miners were trapped and upon the first news break, they all miraculously survived. People there were calling it a miracle and thanking God. Later, when it was discovered that nearly every one of the miners had in fact perished, there were those who said that there was no God. He had not answered their prayers. He had spat on them.

I guess I feel like God has control over a lot of things. But whether or not a man lives or dies, whether he suffers or evades pain, God has no control over. To me, it would be crueler to have a God who intervenes when he deems necessary and idly stands aside when he has no desire to do anything. To me, a God who would perform miracles on a whim would be a sham, a prejudiced sham.

When you ask me to pray for the health of a loved one, I do pray. I pray that he is able to endure whatever suffering or peril he may encounter. I pray that God whispers to those that love the infirmed and gives them strength through the knowledge that God is there and that whatever happens, happens not in vain — even if we don’t understand it.

I’ve had some things happen in my life that saved me from a ruinous existence. These were things that I had absolutely no control over. Was my fortune due to a higher power, or did I just happen to roll a seven that day? Some days I think it was pure luck. Others…I’m not sure. Was it God? That same day, I am sure some other guy around the world crapped out and is still paying for it to this day. Perhaps he went to God with the same grievances but things didn’t pan out for him. Was that God? I hope not. No selective God for me. Drop to my knees and ask God to choose me to be the fortunate one? Ask him to be biased?

Nope. Sorry. I can’t pray that way.