Today, Senator Larry Craig’s attorney attempted to defend Senator Craig’s foot-tapping incident in a men’s restroom last summer by stating that Craig’s actions were protected by the First Amendment.

Not sure if Senator Craig or his attorney are aware of this or not, but the Bush administration got rid of the First Amendment years ago. They may want to try a different line of defense.

With each passing day, I am beginning to understand more and more why Sarah Palin is the personification of the Grand Old Party’s wet dreams. She’s a divisive, book burning, racist, hypocritical, blithely ignorant tyrant who has the ability to paralyze with fear and vanquish those who dare to oppose her. Slap a tiny mustache on her and you’d have…well…I digress.

See, this is what happens when you only spend a day giving a cursory glance to the background of your potential VP pick. The important and damning shit falls through the cracks, only to come and bite you (one hopes) in the end. At this point, I almost wish that McCain had picked a Romney or Pawlenty for his running mate. Sure, it may have created a more unbeatable ticket, but if fate decides to give the mentally stable the middle finger and McCain/Palin end up winning the nomination in the fall, I may be jumping down, turning around and picking a bale of cotton come next summer. I know that sounds a little extreme, but so does Palin.

I know you are probably wondering where I came up with the colorful title of this blog entry. I wish I could claim it for my own, but alas, this phrase that so eloquently rolls off one’s tongue actually (and allegedly) spewed from the lips of the respected governor of Alaska as she was partaking of lunch with some fellow members of the Third Rei-…uh…ahem…fellow “political colleagues”. In case you were wondering, Senator Obama would be Sambo in this scenario, and Senator Hillary Clinton would of course be the aforementioned bitch that Sambo beat.

Oh, and the slurs don’t stop there. Palin has been said to refer to Alaska’s Aboriginals as “Arctic Arabs” and to Eskimos as…well…”fucking Eskimos”, which may not be a slur if those words were preceded by the question, “Who are the coolest mofos this side of the North Pole?” But I doubt that question was anywhere in the vicinity of the lovely governor when she uttered that melodious phrase.

Of course, one has to wonder about a politician who derides her colleagues for wasteful spending when she is in fact spending millions on things people neither need or want. But the kicker for me is her apparent embrace of book burning. Seriously? I would love to see the list of books she wanted burned. My guess is they were anything written about black people not named Sambo, democratic, whining females, Gloria Steinem, sex-ed and those fucking Eskimos.

While I believe that black people should vote for whomever they wish, I must admit I was a little surprised to see a handful of black faces in the crowd at the Republican National Convention. The veterans I understand, but just regular black folk? I would be seriously afraid of voting for someone who when asked if she knows any black people would probably say, “Yes. Fat Albert annnnd…Urkel.” This lady scares me. And if you are a woman who believes in the right to choose or a minority or a low-wage earner or a fucking Eskimo, you should be afraid too. I’m not a huge McCain fan, but the man is definitely a moderate and while codgery as of late, he seems to want to do right by his country. But this Palin lady ain’t no joke. If god-forbid something were to happen to McCain while in office and Palin were to take over, I’m afraid I would be shuttled to the back of the bus, igloos and condoms would be abolished, and coat hangers would once again be the only alternative for those women who aren’t as privileged and supported (and we won’t even get into the hypocrisies on this one) as Bristol.

I hope we all think long and hard come November 4th.

In my dream, I arrive to work ass naked, wearing nothing but a pair of black wingtips and rather garish argyle socks that barely creep above my ankles. Funny thing is, in the dream I am completely unfazed by this. Instead, everyone else in the office is incredibly upset and embarrassed because upon seeing me, they realize it is “come to work butt-naked” day. I spend most of the day walking around, smirking at my clothed colleagues who eye me with envy. All I can do is shrug my shoulders at them as if to say, “Hate it for you.”

I think this must be one of those resentful/vindictive dreams, spawned from my high schools days. My school would announce a “purple & white day” where all the students had to come to school dressed in the appropriate school colors. Problem was I didn’t have any purple and white and I didn’t really have the coin to purchase the appropriately colored rugby shirt or polo. So, while most people walked around bedecked in the school colors, I had to spend the day in our staple school uniform - white shirt, khakis and a tie. At school assemblies, my fellow classmates would glance at me and say, “Where’s your purple and white?” “I don’t have any.” “Oh.” The “Oh” was always accompanied by a slight smirk that implied, “Hate it for you.”

Most high schools preach conformity, whether it be covertly or overtly like the preppy private school I attended. Most kids desperately want to fit in and they definitely don’t want to stand out. So, when you arrive at school in the staple uniform and everyone else is dressed in purple and white, you feel like Danny Glover at a Klan rally. Even though you are clothed, you feel like you are ass naked in front of the world.

So, I figure my dream is a big f-you to my past - both to the kids that made me feel like shit for not being able to fit in and to the old me who so desired to blend in to the crowd.

I hope you guys were watching Palin’s speech tonight. She came at you with guns ablazin’.

This isn’t a woman you guys are competing against. This is potentially the next Vice President of the United States. Kid gloves, my ass. If you can’t play with the big girls, don’t show up. She’s calling you guys out. What are you going to do??