A recent AP News article states that many people do not perceive President-elect Barack Obama as a black man. He’s described as bi-racial, multi-racial, blah, blah, blah. The author Christopher Hitchens claims that he is just as white as he is black and that he is not the “first black president”. If I am not mistaken, Hitchens grew up in the U.K. and not the United States, more specifically, not below the Mason-Dixon line in the U.S. So, perhaps I should give him a pass on this one. In this country, it isn’t what you actually are. It is all about what people see. Perhaps Hitchens missed the innumerable death threats Obama has received in the last few months, or perhaps he neglected to see the number of Americans who would not vote for Obama simply because they thought he was black — and to be fair, the number of Americans who voted for him for the exact same reason.

You know what? Technically, these people are right. Genetically, Barack Obama is not a 100% black man (in this country, who is 100% anything?). But, right now Obama has a 79% approval rating in his handling of the transition from Bush’s administration to his own. 68% of the country has confidence in the president-elect, according to Gallup. He’s doing really well with American’s at this point. But the pessimistic side of me can only think that as Obama’s approval rating goes down, the blacker he’ll become. And if he ever achieves the cellar-dweller numbers of Bush, he’ll be darker than Wesley Snipes. It’ll go from “he is the perfect example of what America is. He is multi-racial, multi-cultural. His is the face that represents the portrait of the American landscape” to “See? I told you not to vote for his black ass. He was genetically disposed to pull us into the crapper.”

I truly, truly hope that I am wrong. But this country has seemingly come a long way in a very short amount of time. And I have to be cautious in thinking that humanity has truly taken a turn for the better.

He’s been a bad man. A very, very bad man.

Single-handedly, Governor Rod Blagojevich has reintroduced the kind of heavy-handed corruption the state of Illinois has been so well known for over the years. With a heady mix of hubris and narcissism, Blagojevich has successfully pushed former Governor Switzer out of the number one spot for sleaziest politician. Yes, what Switzer did was a pretty sleazy thing, but the governor of Illinois was more than willing to put his self-interest and well-being before all of the citizens to whom he swore to protect and serve. Switzer was doing his job. His flaw was hypocrisy and that enchanting bit of poontang he had on the side.

Money and power, my friends. Money and power. Politics is a damnable thing. If I have one sane hair on my head (I’m bald, I know), I pray it will keep me from ever running for any form of political office. It’s nothing more than a cesspool filled with greed and lust, empty promises and a whole lotta horseshit. And none of us is immune. Even Obama is bound to disappoint us one day. Although, I hope that I am wrong.

But you know what? Governor Blagojevich’s worst sin isn’t that he tried to finagle truckloads of cash from fellow politicians by presenting them with the possibility of taking over the open Senate seat left by President-elect Obama. It wasn’t that he even considered taking the open seat for himself. His worst sin wasn’t even his attempt, by withholding state funding for Wrigley Field, to muscle the Chicago Tribune into firing the editorialists who had been unflattering to him in the prominent rag.

Okay, maybe those are his worst sins. But you know what comes in as a close second?

That’s right. That hairdo.

Mr. Blagojevich, Donnie Osmond called. He wants his haircut back.

This afternoon, while sitting in a meeting, one of the participants in attendance was analyzing strategies for resolving a particular conundrum we had encountered. In the midst of weighing our options, he raised his hands and chimed blithely the phrase, “There is more than one way to skin a cat.”

Now, four years ago, if someone had said around me, I would not have given it a second thought. However, four years ago, I did not have Charlie, my four year old black feline. Back then, to say “There is more way to skin a cat” was nothing more to me than a cliched phrase people used when they couldn’t come up with a more colorful or elegant way to state that they were not restricted to one path for resolving a problem. Today, it made me grimace with disgust, and the phrase and subsequent image has stayed with me all evening long.

I can’t blame the guy for saying it. I’m sure he doesn’t own a cat, and who am I to judge really? I am sure there have been dozens of times when I have spoken some tried and true phrase, not knowing that I was offending someone. Ignorance is an all-inclusive curse. I have had a person very close to me state that someone was “kiking” checks. I know for a fact that he did not realize that he had just used an ethnic slur. A past girlfriend once stated that she had tried to “Jew” someone down on the price of something. When I mentioned to her the fact that what she said was derogatory, she burst into tears at the recognition of her verbal tumble.

Genetics has afflicted me with the unfortunate trait of sarcasm. So I know for a fact that I am not excluded from the groups of people who constantly but innocently have a slip of the tongue. The only thing we can do once we make such a faux pas is learn from our mistakes. The most stubborn of ignoramuses, however, will sometimes have to receive a taste of their own medicine before they can see the light. So, I have come up with a few phrases you may want to use the next time you are in a meeting with someone who takes repeated glee in proclaiming, “There is more than one way to skin a cat.” Take stock of the members currently present, then use one of the phrases below — whichever is most appropriate at the time.

For married people:
“Well, of course, we could do that. But remember, there’s more than one way to throw your wife down the stairs.”

For people with babies:
“I like that idea. Yeah. But let’s not limit ourselves. We all know there’s more than one way to beat an infant with a garden hose.”

For senior citizens:
“True, true. But let’s think about this for a second. I mean, there’s more than one way to sodomize an elderly man with a ballpoint pen.

For the churchgoers:
“Yes, brother Charles. We could have a raffle or carnival to raise the money. Keep in mind, though, there’s more than one way to fondle Jesus.”

Ultimately, this approach will have two possible outcomes. You will enlighten those around you to the sensitivities of their fellow men and in the future they will think before diving into that uncomfortable morass of uncouth phraseology. Or, you will get the crap beaten out of you. Either way, you made an effort. And that’s all that really matters.

Oh, the number of times I have both said this and had it said to me. Will we never learn?

Every day when I go to work, I look at my coworkers and quietly wonder which one has had just about enough of it all and is closest to snapping and wiping out half the building. Then I look at myself in the mirror just to make sure it isn’t me.