Turtle’s got a shit life anyway. He walks too slow. He’s got those stubby little legs that make the female turtles (I call them furtles) cringe. He’s inextricably stuck, forever existing in a dank little house that could probably use a few lamps, a bath mat and a shot of Febreeze. When he has sex, he’s constantly banging his shell against her’s and there’s no possibility of spooning afterward. He’s got no good representation in the media except for those two dunces on the Comcast commercials. And now this…

The increasing demand for turtle meat in southeast Asia has lead to a huge surge in turtle harvesting not only on that continent but in the states as well. This AP article states that in Iowa alone “harvests have increased from 29,000 pounds in 1987 to 235,000 pounds in 2007″. Apparently, turtles are a delicacy in Asia.

Here is my question — why is it always the odd items that are delicacies? I looked up delicacy on dictionary.com and it is defined as “something considered choice to eat”. There is no mention of the fact that is has to be a rare or seemingly disgusting item. But it always seems like stuff such as monkey brains and turtle meat are considered delicacies somewhere. Who are these people? And why can’t they just eat chips and dip? Or Oreos? Why do we as human beings always seek out the oddest shit to cram down our throats? When God created man, did he really steer him away from the tree of knowledge so that he could go and chow down on bull testicles? I’m sure bull balls have no other function other than to help in the creation of more bull balls and udders. And yet, we have to batter and fry them. Why?

What if it were kittens? Not cats, but little, furry, helpless kittens. What if they were a delicacy in Asia instead of turtles, and the good people of Iowa were harvesting 235,000 pounds of fresh, delicious, pink kitty meat. THEN there would be an uproar! Just because turtles don’t meow or make biscuits on your sweaty, hair-matted pot-belly, they gotta get whacked?

I think this will be my new campaign. I want to save the turtle and make kittens the new worldwide delicacy. We could even put them in big, empty glass aquariums so that you could pick out which one you want flamed broiled or deep fried — maybe they come with a wedge of lemon and catsup.

Who will join me?!

Don’t these little wide-eyed critters look cute? And tasty?