This morning I saw the photo below on the Huffington Post. It was posted with an entire group of pictures of Thanksgiving turkey pardons given by the current and past presidents. This one really caught my attention because of the caption that came along with it:

President Bill Clinton looks over a turkey named Jerry after granting the bird a Thanksgiving pardon November 22, 2000 in the Rose Garden of the White House.

That turkey’s got a name! He exists. He’s not just some random bird.

I looked into Jerry’s eyes and I found myself suddenly wondering, what becomes of these birds after they’ve cheated death? Do they go on to lead long, productive lives after being pardoned for non-criminal activities? The only crime being that they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I decided I needed some closure on the fate of Jerry. So, I came up with a few of my own Jerry endings.

President Bill Clinton looks over a turkey named Jerry after granting the bird a Thanksgiving pardon November 22, 2000 in the Rose Garden of the White House. Jerry is now twice divorced with six kids and works at a lime plant in Dubuque. He has a peptic ulcer, smokes two packs a day and suffers from acute cirrhosis due to alcoholism. When asked how he felt about that wonderful November day when President Clinton granted him his reprieve, Jerry responded, “Gobble”. A translator later revealed that Jerry had actually stated, “He would have been doing me a favor.”

President Bill Clinton looks over a turkey named Jerry after granting the bird a Thanksgiving pardon November 22, 2000 in the Rose Garden of the White House. Jerry now runs a bed and breakfast near Montpelier with his life partner, Cecil. In his spare time, he likes to make decorative shoehorns.

President Bill Clinton looks over a turkey named Jerry after granting the bird a Thanksgiving pardon November 22, 2000 in the Rose Garden of the White House. The years after Jerry’s pardon were not kind to the once fine looking fowl. In April of 2001, Jerry was implicated in a college basketball points-shaving scandal at the University of Wisconsin. He was later acquitted of all charges when it was revealed by the U of W players that they cheated of their own volition and actually never understood a word Jerry was saying. Two years later, Jerry was arrested in Fresno for selling poultry porn out of the back of his Monte Carlo. The inside of jail cells became a familiar home for Jerry, as a string of petty crimes and indiscretions lined his troubled past like so many footprints. It appears the pressure of living on the outside eventually became too much for the bird; for in December of last year, Jerry was found dangling from a rope in a old, rundown halfway house on the wrong side of Cleveland. On the wooden beam above the turkey’s lifeless body, one could clearly see the crudely etched words, “Jerry Was Here.”