I had a wisdom tooth pulled a few days ago. It was impacted, slightly jutting out at the back of my mouth. My dentist has been bugging me about it for years.
“You should really get that extracted.” “Yeah? Or what?” “Or your head will rot off.”

Let it rot, I thought. I didn’t want anyone cutting stuff out of the back of my mouth. Pain and blood and me screaming like a white woman in church. It’s been sitting back there for years, bothering no one, especially me. It actually made me feel kind of special. Most people brag about how they had four wisdom teeth. I had six! How brainy does that make me? Suck on that, Stephen Hawking! One tooth chose to stay embedded deep within the recesses of my apparently gargantuan pie-hole. The other decided to peek out at the world and cause my dentist to become hideously apoplectic.

I haven’t always seen this same dentist. For years I saw one guy. He took care of me since I still had my baby teeth. But years ago, he decided to retire and pass his business on to some holy rolling, man-hating busybody. She liked to prod around my mouth while talking about her divorce and asking me if I was in fact seeing anyone. Are you kidding? The proverbial back breaking straw came when she asked what church I attended. Like a dumbass, I said, “I…don’t go to church”. At that moment, I swear her eyes went red and I could feel my bowels shift. I spent the rest of the visit watching smoke billow from my mouth like a small brush fire, wondering if I was going to walk out of that place looking like Jaws from Moonraker. After that, I had to go to the ATM to get money for my bill because as she stated when I pulled out my Visa, “Now you know we don’t got no credit card machine.” No, I….didn’t know that. I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware that my bill would have to be paid off in wampum. I thought this was the 21st century where dentist offices took plastic and educated doctors didn’t speak in double negatives. My bad. I hope your ex-husband, wherever he is, is still running.

Anyway, I mentioned the previous dentists because they always saw the extra wisdom tooth peering out but never mentioned the fact that, in time, my head could in fact rot off. So, either my new dentist is full of shit or my old dentists were too busy thinking about nursing homes and restraining orders to care. Who knows?.

All I know is I have a hole in the back of my mouth that has become an annoying food trap. It’s disgusting. The other night I was able to scoop out some beef with my tongue. Only, I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten beef. It’s all very disconcerting. And it still hurts.

I’m sure my head would have indeed rotted off in twenty or so years, but damn, I miss that little hunk of tooth. Feels like a little piece of me is missing. It also feels like I don’t got no more wisdom. Maybe I should go into dentistry.

you have to admit, this is pretty damn funny.

Scott Brown will have to run again in 2012 if he wants to retain his newly acquired senate seat. But will he be running for that seat or a much more influential one? Forgive me as I delve into pure speculation.

The one sliver of optimism that kept me buoyed during this first year of the Obama Administration, a year in which much has been expected and little, to this point, has been returned, was the paucity of formidable heavyweights standing on the opposite side of the ring. It was the fact that when I looked forward to the presidential election of 2012, I could not see any truly viable contenders for the Republicans. That may have changed last night.

Now, I will admit that I know very little about the new Republican senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown. I know little about his policies or his background. But I do know the important things. And when I say ‘the important things’, I mean the various tidbits about senator Brown that would make him very attractive to the conservative and independent voters who will be yearning for a bewitching alternative to Obama come 2012.

Brown’s a good old boy who drives a pickup, but can’t be too rednecky for the independents because he lives in one of the most liberal states in the union. He spent a brief period of his life on welfare. That should prove that while Martha’s Vineyard may be a few klicks away for the new senator, he’s no stranger to poverty. He got into a few scrapes when he was a young man, but he states that the violence was due to his sticking up for his mom and sisters. He’s like friggin’ John Wayne, this guy — only without the pansy real first name. In 1982, Brown posed nude for Cosmopolitan magazine. When you consider all of the assorted (and sordid) reasons why politicians have dropped their britches recently — Spitzer, Ensign, Edwards, Craig, Sanford — and you consider the fact that Brown doesn’t exactly look like Orrin Hatch, you must concede that a 1982 photo spread of this now happily married hunk appears incredibly tame in comparison.

I’m not saying that this is the guy the Republican party has been dreaming about. I mean, I’m sure they will feel him out for about, oh, a week or so before crowning him the savior they’ve been waiting for. But look at the alternatives they have for 2012. Just the thought of most of these people would give Republican voters a violent case of the trots.

Newt Gingrich is considering a run? Not even Newt Gingrich would vote for Newt Gingrich. He thought that guy died years ago. And in a way, he did. Sarah Palin? Please. “What newspapers do you read?” “All of ‘em.” “Who’s your favorite founding father?” “All of ‘em.” “Bullcrap, who’s your favorite?” “Well, I guess I would have to say, Colonel Sanders.” Okay, I made that last part up, but you see my point. Palin will pop and fizzle by 2012. Mike Huckabee? He was my biggest fear until a few months ago when his own little Willie Horton situation reared its ugly head. Limbaugh? Come on. The bilious rhetoric works for a while. But you can only get so chummy with Satan before your voice becomes static and you are nothing more than a paper tiger.

So, we have a gray-hair, a narcissist, a Dukakis and a Darth Vader. These are our Republican choices? Blech!

So…what can Brown do for you? He’s young, handsome, Caucasian (I know. I hate to say it, but being from the south, I know it must be said), slightly experienced. Nobody knows who the hell he is or what he stands for and he has immediate mass appeal. Except for the being white part, he sounds a lot like another guy I know.

Obama and his cronies up on Capitol Hill better get their shit together but quick. The grooming for his replacement has already begun. And while Scott Brown may be guilty of showing off his package nearly 30 years ago, he may soon be described as being the “complete package” and the preeminent favorite for the White House in 2012.

I first heard this song about three or four months ago and it still makes my head bob. When I first heard it, I had an immediate idea of how the video would look. Boy, was I wrong. To be honest, this video seems a bit awkward and contrary to the lyrics of the song. But what do I know? The tune is still a tiny, four minute nugget of poppy bliss. And Kate Earl is a definite cutie (with talent!). So why complain?

A BOOB I said!!!