that I have a hard time letting things go. Someone can say something, and as flippant and innocuous as it may be, I oftentimes find myself gnawing on it mentally for days. Why is that? I think it’s partly due to my own little insecurities. Someone can say something completely off the cuff, most likely meaningless in their own minds, but three days later I sit and wonder, “What did she mean by that?” It’s enough to drive one crazy. How do you let that kind of stuff go?

Then I think of all the things I said or did preceding the statements that were made. Why did I say that? What was I thinking when I did that? I prompted that remark. It’s all my fault. And once it escapes from my lips, it’s gone. There’s no reeling it back in. Now I have to suffer with the consequences and wrangle with this new found vulnerability for days. Or at least until something else is said or done that will lead me down a completely new path of diffidence.

Sometimes I wish I could be like those assholes who speak their minds, completely unafraid, unfiltered and unaware that they are offending everyone or no one at all. It doesn’t register with them that their words could quietly devastate someone. They never take into account the fact that something they just said or done has, in someone’s eyes, turned them into a human skid mark (and I do mean of the doo doo kind). These people must sleep soundly at night while causing much tossing and turning among their peers.

I miss the days of no regret. In workplaces and relationships, phrases have to be carefully crafted so as not to foment the misery or ire of others. Nowadays, I have to wonder how something I said today will come back to haunt me one day in the near or distant future. “Remember when you said this to me?” “No.” “Well, you said it, and I carried that with me for a long time. And now I am going to destroy you with it.”

Crap.