Tonight I purchased tickets to see the San Francisco Giants play the Milwaukee Brewers next month in San Francisco. I’m excited about this for many reasons. 1) Buying the ticket forces me to stick to my desire to visit SF. There’s no backing out now. 2) I’ve never been to San Francisco, so I will get to visit a new place. 3) I get to go to — from what I have heard — one of the nicest facilities in major league baseball. For these three reasons, I am very excited about my purchase. What doesn’t matter to me in the least is the fact that I may see Barry Bonds play during the season in which he broke Hank Aaron’s record. Truth is, by the time the game rolls around at the end of August, Aaron’s record will most likely have been demolished, and Bonds, with his deteriorating knees and increasingly codger-like state, will probably not even take the field that night. And that doesn’t matter to me one bit.

I read this article which gives a few excuses as to why it is okay to root for Barry Bonds. One such excuse is that he was a hall of fame player before the steroid controversy ever darkened his door.Yes, but the steroid controversy did darken his door. Such a controversy, especially on the eve of achieving immortality, is pungent in the stench that it leaves in its wake. Bonds was one of the purest hitters the game has ever seen, and on top of that, he was quite proficient in the outfield, winning eight golden gloves. But he won’t be remembered for that. Perhaps if he had retired after passing Willie Mays or even Babe Ruth, the criticism wouldn’t be so searing. But he doesn’t want some of the glory. He wants all of it. And as a result, he must pay the price of compromising his integrity.

The article also suggests that Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron had advantages given to them as well. Ruth need only hit the ball 295 ft. to homer out of Yankee stadium during his day, and the pitching mounds were lowered during Aaron’s time, giving batters a better advantage. Can’t argue with that. Only…Ruth didn’t build Yankee stadium and Aaron didn’t lower the mound. If (and in my mind WHEN) Bonds injected or applied or ingested performance enhancing drugs, he did it on his own or told someone to do it for him. Bonds was in control. Ruth never played black pitchers. I hate that. We will never know how truly great he was because not all men were allowed to play the game during his time. Aaron had to endure the indignities thrust upon him by bigots and Neanderthals. One can only imagine what it must be like to play with the cloud of hatred and potential physical harm following you wherever you go. But again, these things were out of the control of the men who played the game. Bonds was and has always been in control.

Bonds’ fans in San Francisco are like the little kids who are constantly neglected by their deadbeat dads but refuse to accept the fact that the man ain’t no good. How they could vote Bonds into the All-Star game is unfathomable to me?

Most of us struggle with our integrity from time to time — with making the right decisions, the most ethical decision. I’m not above sin. But for some reason, the hubris of this one man really bugs me. I am especially bugged because this man is placing a stain on, in my opinion, the greatest sport America ever created, as well as devaluing the greatest sporting record. Hank Aaron will not be there to celebrate Bonds’ feat when 755 becomes the second best number of homers hit in a career. My only other hope is that Barry is on the road when the record is shattered. Circling the bases beneath a deluge of boos would seem to me to be the most appropriate moment for a sham.

This past weekend I visited the local bookstore in hopes of finding a decent book on ghosts and the paranormal. Don’t ask me why, but suddenly I have taken a sincere interest in the subject and wanted to know more. Perhaps it is because the existence of ghosts would be some proof to me that there is an existence, whatever it may be, beyond this tepid life we live here on earth. Anyway, more on that later.

Needless to say, I did not find the book. However, I did run across the audiobook of Game of Shadows: Barry Bonds, BALCO, and the Steroids Scandal that Rocked Professional Sports for $7.50. I looked at the black cover with the white lettering and the photo of the bulky back of #25 and I was instantly intrigued. I’d heard of the book before. Anyone who enjoys baseball and despises what drugs have done to the game has heard of the book. It pretty much rocked the sports world upon it’s release and cast a very harsh light on baseball and Bonds in particular. I snapped up the audiobook, left the store and immediately popped it into my car’s cd player.

I’ve written about Bonds before. Quite recently, in fact. So, why am I revisiting this subject? I think it is for a myriad of reasons. The main reason being the utter ambivalence I hold towards Barry Bonds. As an African-American male who grew up watching baseball and studying the history of the sport (although I am not even close to an expert), I took great pride in watching Bonds smack 73 homers in 2001. It was one of the most exhilarating events I had ever watched. Five years ago you couldn’t turn me against the Giants outfielder. Although I had always been a Phillies fan, I was suddenly becoming a Giants fan simply because of Bonds. In my eyes, he was becoming the greatest player the sport had ever seen. He was a hero. And like most mortal men, once he ascended to his throne, he was summarily toppled.

Now, one could blame the media. It could be and has been often said that the media is particularly eager to bring down African-American sports greats. And perhaps that is true in some instances. But some men are ensnared due to ambiguous reasons — Steve McNair and the drunken driving case was one, in my opinon — and some men seem to beg for the gauntlet. Should Bonds be treated harsher than Mark Mcgwire? No. If it weren’t for Mcgwire and his own use of performance enhancing drugs (legal or not), who’s to say Bonds would have ever gone that route? Shadows implies that Bond’s was enraged by Mcgwire’s success and I am sure that was the impetus to Bonds finding that competitive edge.

What bothers me most about Bonds is that in a way he is spitting on all of the great men who came before him, the men who literally had to fight to play the game. Before Jackie Robinson played the game, baseball was not truly America’s game. Baseball was a divisive game with two separate but equal entities. To me, one can never say that Babe Ruth or Ty Cobb were the greatest, nor can one ever say that Josh Gibson or Satchel Paige were the greatest. They were great in their own realms, but they were separated by ignorance and hate. And because of that we will never know how truly great they were. People like Gibson and Paige, Buck O’Neil and thousands of other Negro league players were proud of playing in the Negro leagues, but they also wanted to show the other side what they could do. After Robinson came along, African-American players got that chance. We got to see Willie Mays and Frank Robinson and Reggie Jackson. All naturally gifted players. Barry Bonds was just as gifted as they, but he has decided (allegedy, right?) to not only besmirch the game, but in a way blurry the achievements and struggles of those who came before him.

Today, two new players were elected to Cooperstown and the illustrious baseball Hall of Fame — Cal Ripkin Jr., a great shortstop and a dedicated player who never missed a game, and Tony Gwynn, one of the best hitters to ever play the sport. Gwynn never hit a lot of homers, but he was a near guarantee to get on base or move a runner over or knock in a run. Neither Ripkin nor Gwynn were big, physically or in the way of prestige, and you never heard a disparaging word about either man. And neither has ever been a victim of the kind of allegations Barry Bonds and Mark Mcgwire have endured. They played clean and hard and years later they were rewarded with a trip to baseball immortality. Voted in #1 and #2 respectively, Ripkin and Gwynn received two of the highest percentages in voting history.

And where did Mcgwire end up on the list? Ninth. He wasn’t even close to making it in. He has fourteen more years of eligibility, if I am not mistaken, and because fans are often forgiving and forgetful, he will probably make it in. But should he? Should Bonds when his day arrives or Canseco or any of the bulky juicers who made the game of skill and natural ability and hard work a sham?

Today Mcgwire was shown the door and silently told that he made a mockery of the game. Perhaps next season, when and if Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s cherished home run record, a series of boos and bad press will tell Barry what fans think of him and his game. Put down the needles and pick up a bat. These two could learn a thing or two from Mr. Gwynn and Mr. Ripkin.

The following was in the New York Daily News today:

The Ninth Circuit of the U.S. Court of Appeals voted 2-1 that federal investigators may use the names of 104 players who tested positive in supposedly anonymous testing in 2003, shooting down the MLB Players Association’s attempts to keep the names private.

Speculation is sure to center on whether Barry Bonds’ name is on the list, although even if he did test positive in 2003, he could argue that he did not intentionally take illegal performance enhancers. Bonds is the target of a government perjury investigation.

At this point, does anyone think that Barry Bonds did not intentionally take illegal performance enhancers? If his name were on the list, how many people would gasp with shock? Not many, I’m sure. The fact is if you compare the 1986 Barry Bonds to the 2006 Barry Bonds, there is a pretty noticeable difference. And yes, people put on pounds as the years go by, but look at Barry’s head! It’s huge! He could head-butt a rhinoceros with that melon. Personally, I think Barry did use performance enhancers. What kind, I don’t know. And it isn’t only him. In 1986 Mark Mcgwire looked like your next door neighbor. Not skinny by any means, but definitely human. Now he looks like the friggin’ Michelin Man. His neck is like a tree trunk and one of his legs is big enough to feed a Guatemalan family for a year. Does anyone question whether he used performance enhancers? Only a blind man would.

So why pick on Barry? This is why. For one thing, Barry is an arrogant S.O.B. If he were a nice guy, they’d still look at this closely for other obvious reasons, but perhaps the vitriol directed towards Barry wouldn’t be so acidic. A lot of the media hate Barry because he treats them like they are a nuisance. Fact is, without the media nobody but hardcore baseball fans would care about what Bonds has done. So when the chance comes to bury a man who seems to luxuriate in his own hubris, the media becomes ravenous and unrelenting. The media can propel you to great heights or make you disappear. One only wishes their power to persuade was as great when Ty Cobb was around. Cur that he was.

The main reason why people are picking on Barry is because he is about to break the most coveted record in major league baseball and, one could argue, all of sports. Barry surpassed Babe Ruth last year in home runs and I am sure that chapped a lot of hides. But now he is bearing down on Hammerin’ Hank Aaron. By all accounts Hank Aaron is the antithesis of a Barry Bonds. Humble, congenial. He’s the kind of man you want to hold the record. There’s little room for ambivalence when it comes to Hank Aaron, especially these days. But Barry with the attitude and the alleged drug enhanced bulk is an easy target.

Should an asterisk be placed by Bonds’ name if he breaks the all-time home run record? Does it matter? People will always think he broke the record under false pretenses. They will never give him the credit he will think he is due, whether he deserves it or not. And if his name is on that list, well…bye bye Barry. You can hit 800 homers. No one is gonna care. And even those who do will wonder if you could have done it without the medicinal nudge.

After the strike in ‘94 baseball was revived when Mark Mcgwire and Sammy Sosa locked horns and the chase for the most home runs in one season was on. Looking back, one has to wonder what, if anything, these guys were shooting into themselves or rubbing onto themselves or whatever they had to do to hit so many homers. The romantic in me would like to think that Mark and Sammy did it all with grit and determination. But the cynic in me now thinks that home run chase was the beginning of the end of baseball as we knew it.

And if Barry’s name shows up on that list, baseball may never be the same again.